Our Love Story | 5th Anniversary
Today marks our 5th anniversary so I thought I would share our story.
It's one of sacrificial love, learning, and lots of grace.
In high school, I really liked one of the guys in our friend group. We became close...I remember sitting on the phone with him for hours talking about everything from what we both wanted to do with our lives to what had happened at school that day. For whatever reason, I would always sit in my garage when I chatted with him (probably because it was often late at night when the rest of the house was asleep).
I never knew exactly what was going on between us. It was confusing at best-there would be times when I would think we were just good friends but for whatever reason I always came back to that relationship. Our friends would hang out at his house so I got to know his family well and developed a deep respect for not only who he was but where he had come from.
The summer after my freshmen year of college, we finally had an open discussion about us dating. We shared that we had always liked each other and decided we would try it. I left for a weekend in Chicago (ironically to surprise Doug for his birthday with some of our friends from college) on cloud nine. Over the course of the weekend, I didn't hear from him; no response to my calls or messages. We communicated more when we were just friends. By the time I headed home on Sunday afternoon I was plain hurt. I remember Doug calling me on my drive back to Michigan and saying that I deserved better than someone who wouldn't pick up the phone when I called.
That night, he finally decided to call me. I found myself in the familiar spot in my garage. He started to spin this winding tale of why he hadn't called over the weekend. He shared that he had told his parents that we were going to date, that he had asked his sister about me, that he wasn’t sure what to say...I am not always the most patient person so I interrupted him to ask what this had to do with not speaking to me over the last four days.
He proceeded to tell me that some of his family had concerns about us having "cultural differences." He almost couldn't get the words out which left me puzzled as to what this meant. When I pushed him on it, he said, "My family and I don't think I should date you because of your...race."
I remember feeling like the garage had shrunk and I was sitting in a very small box. My mind raced to different places and back again. Here was this person that I trusted, who belonged to a family who had always welcomed me into their home saying some of the most racist and heartbreaking words I could imagine. Any dating relationship aside, I felt betrayed. Betrayed as a friend and a human being. It felt like I had been the punchline of a joke that I didn’t know I was participating in. To add insult to a fresh injury, he proceeded to tell me that some of our friends also didn't want us to date. He referenced the cultural difference again, but said that many of them also had an issue with me being adopted; that they felt my parents had taken God’s plan into their own hands by adopting children after He had made it that my parents weren’t able to have children. As if he felt the arguments were valid, he continued saying they had warned him about getting into a relationship with me for those reasons.
In that moment, my world felt so little. My heart was broken. It broke over a lot of things. Here was this relationship I truly valued taking such a hurtful turn. But, it wasn't even that...most people will go through some kind of break up or strange relationship situation at some point. It was the loss of a person that I counted as a dear friend saying things that cut through my soul. It was the fact that his family that I had grown so fond of apparently thought I was lesser because of where I was born. It was the shock of people I’d known since grade school thinking my parents did something wrong by bringing me into their family (the same parents that had welcomed said friends into our home countless times). It was the realization that racism is alive and real.
Looking back now, this was a profoundly formational chapter in my life. It changed my entire worldview when it came to relationships, trust, and love. It woke me more significantly to the realities of how many individuals are treated just because of who they are…because of what their skin color is. It cultivated a view of people that wasn’t so idyllic. It removed the rose colored glasses with a vengeance and left more jaded ones behind.
All that to say, this story has a happy conclusion. A painful beginning to be sure, but a truly divine ending.
Doug called me the next day to check in. The poor guy had no idea what he was getting into with his kind gesture-I spilled my heart. We talked through the hurt I was feeling, betrayal, and my weird identify crisis. Through tears, I lamented that the confusion of always feeling so proud that I was adopted and now feeling like instead it had been viewed as a mark of shame. The view I had of it was now tarnished…tarnished, mangled, and then use as fuel for someone not to date me.
That’s heavy stuff, but Doug didn't run. He didn't rush the conversation along. He didn't dismiss my disorganized rantings on culture and community. He didn’t even take the easy route of saying some people are just bad. Instead, he called. Everyday. He called just to say hello, to share a funny story from his summer internship, or just ask how I was doing. Most importantly in his showing up, he consistently encouraged me to ask God to heal my heart and release my anger.
I didn't fully see it then, but he was healing my heart. This gentle, charming intellect was restoring my picture of a friendship, men, and what it looks like to love someone. He was showing me Christ by gathering the pieces of my heart and quietly putting them back together. Through all of this (even as a friend) he felt like home to me. That is what I would eventually fall in love with. His sweet nature, empathetic spirit, and fierce loyalty to his family and friends. We cultivated a true and deep friendship which has remained the basis of our marriage for the past five years.
Doug isn't the only person who helped re-form my ideas about people and love. We are surrounded by some of the most amazing human beings who are all a part of our story. My parents shared the pride they had in adopting me; how they knew that God always meant me for their family. They assured me of how adoption continues to change lives around the world in the most beautiful way. My friends provided the most timely, uplifting support and reminded me of how essential those bonds are to the journey. Doug's family (as a friend and when we started dating) welcomed me with open arms and made me feel valued and loved just for being who I am.
Friends, not all love stories look like perfectly boxed up fairytales. They can be messy and full of twists...or in my case world altering, but what endures is love. So, if there's anything I can share from our love story or marriage, it's to show that love any chance you get. Respect everyone even if they are different than you. Adore the people in your life...they're souls that God has entrusted to you, so take that responsibility in earnest.
And even though it’s difficult, release whatever pain is holding you in place and open your eyes to charming potentials the future might hold. Doug has helped me with this since that first phone call and it’s been heaps of grace ever since. Grace on grace on grace.
Happy Anniversary to my favorite soul in the world. Home is wherever I'm with you.
Sincerely,
Ashley