Welcome to the most emotionally exhausting finale ever. I felt like I needed a Gatorade afterwards…everything from picture in a picture of mama @sweetnums to one of the most palpably tense arguments that’s been on this show. We start in the live studio with Chris saying hello to Kelley and saying, “It’s important that you’re here.”
Read MoreThey play the preview from last week first. Ya know, Peter wandering around the desert, etc. Doug commentary: I hope that coyote eats him. After the preview, we have to go to the live studio where Chris Harrison yet again, recaps this season (yes Chris, we just watched it we’re all set).
Read MoreEpisode starts at the rose ceremony from last week after Madison asks Peter if she can chat with him for a bit. First off, she needs a different mascara. I think she has pretty eyes but I’m always distracted by her clumpy situation.
Read MoreWe start in Knoxville, TN with Hannah Ann(a) Banana. Once Peter arrives she tells him that her dad is in forestry and likes ‘real men’ (cut to Peter having a sick look on his face…let us not forget this is the guy who cut his head getting into a golf cart). They go to an axe throwing place. They’re both equally bad at this.
Read MoreWe’re in Lima, Peru everyone! We start with Peter staring at paintings one of which is a bunch of windmills. The devil works hard, the but ABC producers work harder. We then get to watch the girls do their trip’s annual Instagram lesson as they run into their suite and jump on the bed because they are just that excited.
Read MoreWe are headed to Chile my friends! Peter speaks Spanish and then says that it’s going to get hot and spicy…”let the romance commence.” I hear these things coming out of his mouth but even he himself looks uncomfortable saying them.
Read MoreWe start with Peter chatting with Alayahaha and sending her home. He apparently understands his lack of judgment and why everyone is angry with him. Her chest is out to play but he says it’s just too much and walks her out. For some reason, some of the other girls are still crying and wondering “well, what if he gets confused again?” Um, yes ladies he is confused.
Read MoreWe start off with the solo appearance of Chris Harrison for the entire episode. He creepily opens the door to let a group of girls know that they’re “making biscuits”. Apparently that registers to them as they all hop off the patio furniture and join him for his group address.
Read MoreThe episode begins and don’t worry, everyone is still crying. Kelsey is still upset about her bottle of champagne, Hannah Ann(a) is still offended she would be accused of opening it. Bored of this storyline ABC, Champagnegate was so last week…
Read MoreThe episode kicks off right where we left off. Peter and Hannah are sitting in some room talking about their relationship. It’s clear they’re still attracted to each other which makes it extra brutal when they keep showing the girls he’s currently ON A DATE WITH in random spots of the empty theater writing in their sex journals.
Read MoreWelcome to a new season of The Bachelor. Fasten your seatbelts and locate the exit rows because it’s about to be a trainwreck disaster.
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